Monologue

"I guess I've muddled things up again without knowing what's it exactly I've done. It just drives me nuts. They never tell me what the root of it all exactly is anyway. I must have been thick. I really haven't a clue. It just cuts a bit of my heart away each freaking time. No wonder I haven't got any senses left. The nerves and tissues must be so hell of a messed up with each shed. Hell have a must been. What does it matter that I cry anymore. But sometimes I just want to do that anyway. At least it made the nerves and tissues connect for once before they get broken off again. It's mad but at least that works like an asprin for a headache. Except that I don't like or take asprins. It's just insane. I need some chocolate - my asprin. Just need the pain to remind me I'm alive that's all.

"It's actually pretty amusing to find myself saying this but in all these years, I've never spent it, that is my birthday with anyone special apart from my dear girl friends whom I simply adore spending time together with. I never get bored with 'em company. We always have fun times together. Smashing, be it just not talking. Ha, yeah, a few times I thought I could have spent it with someone special, say a guy. It had always been a near hit. But they just slipped away. Chickens. Well perhaps I did, years ago once, but we were great mates anyway. I miss him! That idiot has the cheek to spite me by being in the country I'd've love most to be in right now! He's got the guts I say, yeah. I wanna visit him if I can. It's gonna be terrific.

"Yeah, someone special to make my "just like any other ordinary day" (b'day) special. I think that might have just happened this year though it felt kinda ordinary. Just this one day for now. Just this one special day. Only that one day. After that, it just sorta vanished, disappeared like magic. Guess that's when things just muddled up anyway. I don't give a damn. Afterall I've already gotten my special day. To think that I could actually let this slip away? I did anyway. But I'm still saying it anyway. I just blew it away. I just did and I don't wanna give a hoot at. But I probably guess I'm thinking otherwise. Yeah, me. No matter what, the only two memories I wanna hang onto will just be those two days. The rest I just shouldn't anyway.

"The two memories. That one of him giving me my special day, shan't put that onto the table now. The other where we first met and for a brief moment felt my heart skipped a beat. That sweater pullover gave my heart that missed beat. Any guy caught wearing that, any guy, has got me right there and then. It's such tragedy. To be killed by a mere striped soft grey and pastel soft pink sweater. God damn it! Never wear that! I don't want me dead again. Hell of a sweater that is. Never wear it unless one can carry it off well.

"I'm hoping for the better weathers to come which I highly doubt for a million. I'm really so sick of trying to bring up this weather topic. I don't wanna but ain't it fun horsing about with this weather shite. Yeah. Just had some chocolate off M&S. Less than 99 calorie in one small bar. How comforting that hell of a chocolate bar is.

"I must have been going on and on talking like this kinda no arse shite talk. Ha... boy do I love to amuse myself talking like this right now. I swear I'm laughing. I am, but not the loud sorta, or rolling on the floor grabbing my belly and laughing sorta. None of that. Just a short "Ha" or two. Okay and throw in a few giggles. I'm still a girl somewhere no matter what. I have skirts, tonnes, but I'm always in jeans anyway. Blame it on this freaking weather. Well it's this book I borrowed off a friend that I'm reading now. The Catcher in the Rye. Hell American that feels. It's very mental. I'm half way through though. It just kills me in its own way. I figured I would give it a shot by writing something like it in my own way. Except the fact that this sucks probably. But it's kinda fun."

So If you've enjoyed to this piece of crazy shite, you might probably want to go pick up this book I'm telling ya about. Now, how about that? But beware for the book can be pretty mental. Ha... my deed's done. Think I need something else to feed my mind...

He came down off the shower ledge and came in the room. "Hi," he said. He always said it like he was terrifically bored or terrifically tired. He didn't want you to think he was visiting you or anything. He wanted you to think he'd come in by mistake, for God's sake.

"Hi," I said, but I didn't look up from my book. With a guy like Ackley, if you look up from your book you were a goner. You were a goner anyway, but not as quick if you didn't look up right away.

- The Catcher in the Rye, J.D. Salinger

Check out a review I chance upon for The Catcher in the Rye. Holy shite. Smashing.
http://www.tmtm.com/sides/catcher.html

P.S. Am I heading somewhat towards the way like how Holden Caulfield is in the book? Surrounded by phonies too? Ha ha ha...