The cow coming to visit

Hee... Cow or moo moo cow. That's the nickname for one of my friends back home, whom is coming over to visit (coming friday) for a short holiday. Sad to say, we only have 3-4 days in London together as the rest of the holiday we'll be visiting Rome together. I'm really looking forward to it. I've been working like a mad Pea and she's been working like a mad Cow (not mad cow disease, mind ya). Just so we could have time for our holiday. But alas I'm sick right now. So pray hard that I'll be well again before she gets here. :) Erm.. but I've not booked our hostel yet. Tsk tsk.. perhaps we should be a little adventurous and just go find ourselves the hostel when we get there. Haha.. Life will be hell of an adventure. Here we come!

P.S. Thank god my auntie will not be coming with me to Rome. Positive confirmation! *smirks*

And so I borrowed my own shoulders

The last time I remembered me crying my heart out, till my eyes were sore and my lungs tired, was on some cold November night, 2005. I was alone. In freezing Blackpool. It's nearly a year now, isn't it? This time I am (alone) too, but in London.

Maybe I am the kind to bottle things up and then explode once it's reached its limit? This time with no exception. That last time I cried because someone had chickened out, vanishing into thin air leaving all promises unfulfilled and still is. This time, work has driven me mad. I couldn't handle all my tasks with just one pair of hands anymore. It's gotten to a stage where everyone thinks I'm some kinda super woman who could just juggle knives and fireballs with one hand. I'm tired. Very tired. When can I stop and take a rest? Do I have to wait till the day I'm six feet underground to be able to R.I.P?

Perhaps I should go on a course whereby they teach you, a) how to manage your work and life; b) how to manage and/or handle people; c) how to say NO to every requested task that's forever urgent; d) how not to think you are a superwoman and push your workload to others; e) how to talk to your team leaders and perhaps how to talk as well; and maybe f) how to be happy again. Note the 'again'. I used to be happy, carefree, and there to bring smiles to people's life. Now they've robbed me of what I only had. I'm more filled with sorrows than smiles now, albeit the fact that both start with 's'.

Sometimes I wonder why and what am I doing here? No kin, no friends, nobody. Why? No doubt I've come a long way, but made a friend of loneliness. Sometimes I wish I had someone there to share my times with, guess I'm picky with whom I choose. Who could I to blame? No one. No doubt again I've come a long way, and I so hate it when people tell me to give up; to think that I'll always have home to fall back on if all else fails. I do not like that. I know the intention may be well, but it does not encourage nor give me the support and strength I could need to pull through here on my own. I do not like to submit to the fate that I can always depend on home if I fail over here. I like and am proud how I've managed this far in living alone on my own, apart from the fact that I need to learn how to sort out myself, my life, my sorrowful outlook, my being. Remember, I must learn how not to run away again. Oh, someone, please give me the courage I need to pull through this.

I shall find a way to make myself happy again. Who likes reading entries that're always full of frustration, anger and sadness? I don't. I think I'm falling ill. My throat feels sore. Who shall care for me? Who will care for me? Me, myself and I.


P.S. I thought, perhaps looking forward, at least to some comfort in seeking a shoulder to cry on while lamenting a hard day's work after this long tedious day was able to realise. However I gotta laugh at myself - when have I ever been lucky to have such a luxury here? I've not gotten its favour. And so I borrowed my own shoulders.

Finally

It is kinda ridiculous when one expects you to have the redesigned product/website LIVE in the morning at 9.30am so that we can have an email alert sent out to all subscribers to show them "hey, LOOK! We've gotten our product rebranded" on the online product's website before the hard copy actually reaches their hands. Yesh, no problem, I can do that, providing I have a race with the dawn to see who reaches work first. So by right I start work at 9.30am, so now in order to win this race with dawn, what time should I start work?

Anyway I was there already at 8.30am, this is the best I could arrive to compete in my race. And so had I for the past week. Imagine 11 hours everyday! But I'm glad my baby has grown wings and taken off, though not a totally smooth flight, still I manage to get it to fly. It's been really really hard work. Now, my baby is looking much better - organised, clean and unified design for both parent and its child websites.

Thinking finally I'd be able to have some peace of mind after this major baby's done, guess I was wrong...

Sacré bleu

Have a break... Have a Kit Kat

I can't wait for the better times to come. Not that I'm complaining, but this is simply too much for I to bear. Work is getting atrociously hard to manage with all these piling tasks. I've got a major product or rather website to redesign and to go LIVE next Thursday. Time frame was short and given at such short notice too and the current site that I'm redesigning is complicating itself with its many nooks plus confusing navigation plus numerous different templates and its giving me quite a hard time tackling them. I like this bit of challenge in work, at least it's different from what I normally do with the boring mundane tasks. It's fine if it was the only task I have on hand to handle. But I haven't got the luxury of time to, I've got 2 other more products (websites) and many microsites/landing sites to look after. Man! I think I have a headache even as I type this. *shrugs* I'm finding it hard to juggle. I've brought this up to my team leader, she knows, but still I'm dumped with all these pile of shite workload. Is this how working life is like in the UK? I've never worked so hard EVER back home. And I swear it simply just gets harder with each new job. Is this call adulthood?

I do like facing these challenges but I've got a limit to all these. Not that I hate it (sometimes I do), but I need my space to breathe! I can't cope! I need to chill down! I need to get organised (not that I'm not one organised freak)! I need to get into control again! It's not only work that has been keeping me busy and draining me away. My personal life is just as busy. I can't breathe! I need some personal space! I want to and I wish I could just drop everything behind and run off somewhere and have a nice time all to myself, recharge and get back to my hectic life once more.

I need a break? I need a Kit Kat?

Have a break... Have a Kit Kat

SHITTY THURSDAY

I'M IN A BAD MOOD TODAY! LOUSY MOOD! JUST WANT TO MAKE IT KNOWN!

i HATE:

- WAITING

- MAKING MISTAKES

- GETTING PISSED OFF BY RANDOM PEOPLE

- BEING THROWN WITH STOOPID ENQUIRIES WHEN I NEED THE TIME TO DO MY WORK INSTEAD

- CSS NOT BEING COORPERATIVE

- NOT ABLE TO FIGURE OUT WHAT WRONG WITH MY CODINGS, WHY WON'T THEY WORK, BUT WORKS FINE IF I'M USING ANOTHER SET OF EXACTLY SAME CODES BUT WITH A DIFFERENT FILE NAME IN THE CMS

- WAITING, WAITING, WAITING!

- NOT ABLE TO HAVE TIME TO BREATHE AND RELAX!

- ARGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

- ARGHHHH!!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!

- I HATE WASTING MY TIME WAITING WHEN I COULD HAVE BETTER USE FOR IT

NOW I JUST WANT TO CRY AND LET IT ALL OUT AND I'LL BE FINE.

II. Letters from the heart...

II. Letters from the heart...

Thursday, 7 September 2006, UK

Dear Pea,

All my life I've been running. I've been running all my life. Amazing how ironic it is, I hate running, the least thing I would love doing and yet I've been doing it for as long as I can remember. I've been running ever since I could remember. I'm repeating over and over about this, imagine how an impact it must have been on me? I think I'm a runner. You could say that. Or at least that's what I said. I'm running. Away. And it's starting to, or in fact, already has taken quite a toll on me. I'm tired. I just want to stop and stay put - doesn't necessary means literally staying put, I'm mental. I've had enough of this running. Away. When one can't handle; do not know how to handle, one runs. Away. I ran away from home - again not literally; I ran away from people - especially one-who-shall-not-be-named, I lived in fear; now I'm running away from whatever. I'm sick, I cannot run anymore. I'm actually pretty tough, I just forget about that. All the time. Please remind me that I'm brave, fearless, funny (when did that get into this serious letter?), and confident. Why should I be running? Away.

Love,
Pea

II. Letters from within the heart...

II. Letters from within the heart...

Thursday, 17 August 2006, UK

Dear Chestnut,

Could I say that I really fancy you alot? Really like you alot? I think about you alot too. All the time. You're always on my mind and thoughts. I wanna spend time together with you. Hanging out together. Chatting together. I wanna get to know you better. I like being with you. I like to see you smile. I like to make you smile to see your smile. And yes, making you laugh to hear and see your laughters, that too. But you hardly laugh for I to catch.

I like you talking to me, being beside me, hanging out together and enjoying one another's company. I've become so used to your non-existence existence. And one day of not being able to see you or have your non-existence felt or hear from you is sometimes unbearable. I like seeing you, especially on days when your hair looks really cool - is that all I could think of? I like chatting with you. I like annoying you with my nonsensical behaviour and words. You make me feel silly at times and yet so myself. Yet sometimes you make me sad, and really pisses me off as well. Often, you make me miss you too. But I never know how you feel. You don't say. I never bothered finding out.

We have alot in common, maybe. There're so many things we can talk about and feel for, and yet at times nothing, maybe. I like that anyhow. It's really hard to have someone here come by whom I can feel so fun with, with all our common likes and such. Sometimes we can be so silly together. I like that, us being silly when it's time to be funny.

I do wanna be with you, sharing our times together while holding hands, getting connected. I wish to wrap my arms around you, and you I. I want you to know that I really like you, though I feel that we can't really really be together, otherwise it would have; might kill, all the feelings I have for you. This may not be love nor a crush, but more so of a desire to share my life with you where we will blossom into true friendship and be a great companion and friend for each other through life together, perhaps? Am I only kidding myself? I beg to differ?

I really like you loads, but deep down I know you're not the one. Perhaps you might have started forgetting the times we had together, perhaps I ought to move on or perhaps should had. Come what may, I'll be happy to see you happy even if it's seeing you being happy to kiss the some girl you will grow to like and love and cherish one day. Friends should be happy for one another. I like to see my friends being happy. I'll make my friends smile. I like that. No doubt I like you, friend or not.

Love,
Pea

P.S DJ Ferry Corsten's Hearts Connected (Trance mix) playing in the background as I typed...

P.S.S Have I found a mushroom in the chestnut? Maybe.

I. Letters from the heart...

I. Letters from the heart...

Dear Pea,

Friday, 18 August 2006, UK

I received Potatoe's letter. I read the letter. I feel warm. I wish Potatoe's beside me, and I beside Potatoe. I love reading letters from the Potatoe.

Saturday, 19 August 2006, UK

"In your letter, you sounded very 'alone' or should I say emotionally? Isolated? Event though there are housemates and colleagues, I guess the true friendship is the hardest thing to be replaced!"

I told Potatoe that I couldn't agree with her more in the letter. True friendship is distant from me now.

"Where's the Pea whom always have something to crap about and bring light to my darkest days? Come back! Looking forward to your return!"

I will when I'm done with what is needed to be done by me here. I'm looking forward to reunite with my veggie babes again!

Sunday, 20 August 2006, UK

I bought the same set of hearts pyjamas I've gotten for Mushroom. HAPPY BIRTHDAY Aubergine!

Tuesday, 22 August 2006, UK

I'm HAPPY today, because I teased Beef and made Zucchini laughed; because I get to be paid overtime for the certain selected task at work; because I heard from Mushroom - she's safe and fine; because I get to chat a little with my veggie babes; because I got work done too; because I switched to listening to UK's Virgin Xtreme radio instead of Yes93.3FM which keeps disconnecting and I love the english band songs played; because I'm simply happy for no so reason at all; because we went out during lunch time to get a b'day card for the BB (nicknamed Binary Boy).

Wednesday, 23 August 2006, UK

I'm SAD today, because I got up late, left the house late, the tube came late and went real slow; because I was late for work; because I left my lunch at home in the fridge; because the network drives at work are not working fine and slowed down my working speed big time; because I didn't get to speak to my veggie babes; because people do not have the mood to keep to their words.

Love,
Pea

I. Letters from within the heart...

I. Letters from within the heart...

Dear Mushroom,

I guess no other veggie or chestnut or someone will be able to replace your mushroom status...

Thursday, 17 August 2006, UK /

Friday, 18 August 2006, SG

On the day you left, I called you. I'm sad that you won't be around when I'm back. But I'm happy for your new embarkment in life. It's gonna be grand! I'm so happy for you, yet so sad for myself. Fret not for me, worry more about yourself. You've gotta be strong for yourself and take care of yourself now that (like me) you're really really out there on your own. We'll be able to share our experiences being out there really really on our own alone! It'll be exciting, I promise.

Friday, 18 August 2006, UK / US

A day after you left, life goes on as usual I suppose. Things to do, life to taste, people to see, paths to cross. Have you got by? Step foot on foreign land? How does it feel to be there finally? I've not been there. Someday I'm gonna. I will! Right now, you've got yourself a new life to realise and to settle down. To set your feet firm. 3 years to go.

Saturday, 19 August 2006, UK / US

Two days after you left, I wonder how you are. Is the morning air fresher there? How does dawn and dusk differ? Isn't it great to experience seasons finally? It's gonna be fun. Wish I was there to share those with. Maybe one day, someday.

Sunday, 20 August 2006, UK / US

Three days after you left, have you gotten use to the new around you? Are you safe and sound? How does it feel for your feet stepping on non-home ground? Missing home already? Better not, you don't wanna be there (there, as in the home sickness). Trust me.

Love,
Pea

P.S. I'll be waiting for the day where I can give you your long awaited hugs and muacks! Hang on dear mushroom!

II. Letters from the heart to the heart...

II. Letters from the heart to the heart...

Sunday, 30 July 2006 - London, UK

Dear Potatoe,

I miss the times we spent digging through or rather you digging through the pile of stuffs/clothes at FCUK, H&M, accessorize, etc. during the sales. Now I'll have to do it on my own, though not as great a job as you did.

I miss the times we would get lost trying to figure out the right way on the A-Z, and I'll let you handle the navigating from what past experiences tell me. Now I'll have to navigate with what sense of direction I have with the help from people on the streets. Heck it, sometimes I still get lost even with the help.

I miss the times we would hang out and chill in the Richmond Park, Hyde Park, St. James Park, watching the proof of season coming season going. Now I'll have to try get my own arse out. I've made it far only during lunch hours now in the summer with my co-workers from time to time. It just don't feel the same.

I miss the time when we can just bitch about anything, like the old witch and English men for example. Now I'll have to make do with Priska playing your role, however it just don't feel the same and not using Chinese too, even though she's a Libra too.

I miss the times where we will lie in our beds in our big room, chatting about anything under the sun, till we get tired into the wee hours. Now I have the whole room to myself but no gossiping sessions in it anymore.

It has been great this holiday making visa, being on it with you. Thank you so much. No regrets. I will be thinking and missing the good and bad times we've shared during this brief journey in UK. I hope you'll find your direction soon and snap out of this lost direction soon. I'll be there with you, listening if I can't be there in person. Hope some day, we'll be able to travel together again. In the meantime, take great care! You've been dearly miss! Lots of love, muacks and hugs.

Love,
Pea

I. Letters from the heart to the heart...

In the next couple of days or weeks (depending) to follow, I'll be posting a series of letters that I wrote onto my blog - which may be or may not be in order of date, which may have been sent out or may never be send out. Through them you may be able to follow me through my journey in UK, how I change and how I feel. However, please take note that the letters you will be reading may not be of the actual real whole content of the letter/s itself.

So... Here's one for you first.

I. Letters from the heart to the heart...

Sunday, 30 July 2006 - London, UK

Dear Babe,

It's amazing that I managed to get through this job offer right before I was supposed to head home for good this march. Little did we know, there's such a twist to fate and *pooftz* I'm back here again. I admit I was sad when I had to leave UK (for good), didn't want to be back to SG yet as I've not had enough of travelling in the Europe (but I'm back here again). And when I was back in SG, it all felt like a dream, like I've never worked and lived in London before. So contradicting life is. So weird. However I'm glad I'm able to be back here again. The first time last year, the experience was more fun as I had my friend, Potatoe, with me. We have the same asian frequency , we hang out together. This second time round, I'm on my own now. At first it was fun as I was dazzled by all new around me; my new job, new colleagues, new lifestyle in a way without Potatoe. But after a while when I've passed this dazzling phase, it starts to hit me back and I've never been more homesick than ever. I started to miss everything about SG - family, friends, my comfort zone. I was often moody, depressed and anti-social. So I tried getting in touch with listening to chinese songs on Yes93.3FM at work. Haha... now after this homesickness phase is passing, I'm starting to be better already. I guess the many SALES here helped a lot. But poor pockets. I really need to save and start travelling more! Hee... hope all is well for you back home. Sorry if I don't write/email you lot as much as I used to. I'm on the road to my self-discovery now. I'm learning and am lovin' it! Missing you lots! Muacks!

Love,
Pea

跑

每当遇到心理上的问题。我都是一声不吭，转身就跑。
真是个窝囊物呀！难到跑开就是解决问题的方法吗？
那当然不是，但是我就是没有多大的勇气去面对它。
唯一能做到的就是把跑路。
有好多时候想要面对但是还没面对，对方以替我做出了决定。
那就是遗忘以及心碎降临。

Just a Thursday

1. During Lunch Break

I was out on the streets in China Town. I left my colleague to go get me some oyster sauce while she ordered a b'day cake for her boyfriend's birthday party this coming weekend. I was stopped by some oriental guy (English refers to Indians as Asians, and we chinese as orientals or chinese, perhaps) asking for directions to chinese massage shops. He spoke really fluent (China) mandarin.

I pointed in the direction of where he might be able to find where he wants to go, but it can be tricky with the streets, but I didn't tell him about the tricky streets. I just pointed in that direction. He asked if it will cost. Dunno. Maybe at least £25-30 for one? He asked if I was from China. No. He asked if I was from Taiwan. No. He asked if I was from Hong Kong. No. He asked where was I from then. Singapore. He's from Korea. I must say I was impressed. He's tall, single eyelids, small eyes, glasses, nice smile, kinda tan, cute maybe.

Pity I had to get back to work, but first I had to find my colleague again - for she doesn't have her security pass with her to the office doors.Otherwise, who knows, I might had decided to show this korean-who-speaks-fluent-mandarin-guy where he could find the place on the tricky streets. Then I could had tried to find out more about him. How did he manage such perfect mandarin? How did he grow to be that tall? What was he doing in London? Why was he looking for a chinese massage? Questions that are not gonna be answered just because I had the excuse of work waiting for me, of course he does not know. And my colleague needs me to get into the office, and of course he does not know. I simply smiled and walked away. I let the possibility of having found yet another new friend slipped away just like that. I pictured we would hit it off pretty well, and I can speak in the comforts of my mother tongue again. Oh yeah... little miss day dreamer.

2. After Lunch Break, During Work

Emails kept shooting across amongst our screens the whole of the day non-stop. We five (or rather I) couldn't concentrate on work totally. Think everyone's in a it's-not-Thursday-but-Friday mood.

Bits of our email conversations:

ME: I once had a senior who’s absolutely nuts about Garfield. She always wears Garfield Tees to college.

Mark: You had a senior?

ME: Means I'm not in contact with her anymore. Hence the past tense - had

Mark: But that would imply that you could ‘have’ a senior?

Chrissy: Loose translation of “once knew”

Mark: So if I was referring to my old friend allan, I would say ‘I had a guy called allan’

ME: Hi my name is Angela. I come from Singapore. I speak Singlish.

I swear I nearly bursted out laughing when I read that 'I had a guy called allan'. For a moment there I believed I buried my head in my hands and gave out a silent laugh. Oh, hang on a minute, I think the burying of head was to the fact that Mark said he is using a garfield duvet cover now at home as he loves Garfield. Somebody get this guy a lollipop please?

3. Random

-- Trixy reminded me my serious crush back in polyhood whom I had nearly forgotten his existence. Garfield (nickname given by me)
-- Went to watch My Super Ex-Girldfriend after work. Great Laughs
-- Finished reading The History of Love. Nice book. Very different writing styles from what I've been used to. Reading it again to gasp it all in
-- Gotten Trixy's postcard in the mail. Cute little bears postcard. Thanks potatoe!
-- Gotten my long-await debit card, the previous one was damaged. I can draw some cash again!

Happy Birthday Singapore!

Once again it's Singapore's Birthday!!!

Happy 41st Birthday Singapore!!!


Though I may not be home at this point in time to celebrate
Nor catch the NDP glamour on TV at home
Nor stay out with friends to watch the lovely fireworks display
But no matter where I go where I am
My heart still belongs to you!
You've got me in my heart, in my mind 24/7
I LOVE MY COUNTRY!

Birmingham

*SATURDAY*

Went up to Birmingham with Mark for the weekend. We stayed at Joe's place.

Joe's absolutely nuts. Met up with their mates. They are all crazy fun. Hell of a time.

We drank, we chat, we laugh, we happy!



*SUNDAY*

Mark and Joe showed ME around Brum (Birmingham).

Walked about Bull Ring.

Fish & Chips at the Malt House.

Movie - Angel.A - crazy french film.

I made us Chinese dinner.

Tomato + Egg

Chicken + Garlic + Onion + Broccoli

Rice

We had dessert.

Tarte Aux Pommes

Mark, Joe, ME had great laughs!

* from L - R, Top - Bottom*

Victoria Square

Selfridges (Bull Ring)

Balconies

Ferries Wheel

The Malt House

Bull Ring



Mark, Jim

Jon

Susie, ME

Susie

Joe

Mark, Joe

ME, Mark

Jim, Joe



*TAH DAH*

Ingredients of Birmingham



P.S. Sorry, unfortunately Sarah's missing above. She's shy girl.